Being Thankful for Who I Am

Then you hold life like a face

between your palms, a plain face,

no charming smile, no violet eyes,

and you say, yes, I will take you

I will love you, again.” 

― Ellen Bass

I've been struggling with the deepest sense of insecurity in the past few months.  I don't know why, I've never considered myself to be the painfully insecure type, I've always considered myself for be (thankfully) the dense type, the one who is blissfully unaware of how the rest of the world thinks or if that's not the case, I was able to dismiss any negative vibes before they can bother me. 

However, a deeper sense of insecurity hit me a few months before graduating law school, which could be attributed to the fact that I was nearing the end of a stage in my life and entering another stage which is new and uncertain. The insecurity is still there, although going through it made me reflect on the importance of being thankful for who I am. I Googled this phrase and the more popular search result is "being thankful for what you have' which is not surprising I guess, but it also makes a bit of sense to be thankful for what we are, as opposed to what we have. 

I am at an age when I am starting to accept that this is what I am, that this is the result of the loves and hurts and all the experiences that make up the years of my life, and I am actually learning to be OK with it. I've seen those movies where the character says, "This is me, get used to it" but this is actually the first time that I finally understood enough to relate.

Being comfortable in our own skin is probably something we develop and become good at as we grow older. There will still be instances when we may feel the urge to be comfortable in somebody else's, but learning how to love our own skin and learning how to rock our own stories, no matter how boring or mundane or uninspiring it may seem right next to the colorful stories of others, feels surprisingly better, probably because we are giving ourselves the permission to follow our own path, on our own pace. 

And there it is, another week almost over.

Happy Saturday, everyone! 

Personal {Deaths and Rebirths}

Since this is the Holy Week I thought I'd make this post sooner rather than later. My camera, a Canon 50D, died on me yesterday, just as I was about to go on a family portrait shoot for a former schoolmate and her family. I was shaking, didn't know why my camera was suddenly having seizures like some sick epileptic child, the shutter firing off uncontrollably whenever I turned it on. It was a good thing that another photographer friend was available to do the shoot for me, since after that scare I was in no shape to shoot anything.

I learned a lot of lessons yesterday, or rather, some lessons I already knew were hammered pretty hard into my thick skull. For example, never agree to shoot if you don't have a trusty back-up (I had none) and buy a brand new camera! I'm still in the process of doing the second one, although I am hoping it will be sooner (LOL!) rather than later.

I allowed myself to go through the stages of grief last night, I bawled my eyes out so hard that I couldn't see what I was typing for work, but thankfully I am out of the funk and everything's back in perspective again. I especially like how that experience made me reflect on deaths and rebirth, how one cannot happen without the other.

I've read somewhere that in order to live again you have to die first, which is terribly apt given how some things are never given a chance to come to life when something old and rotten is in the way. That's the notion of salvation that I've learned since childhood, but there are just certain ideas that strike you differently when you're older and you begin to look at things a new way. I guess it's one of those things, hitting me like differently in a way that makes more sense now. (Whew, who would've thought that a camera malfunction would lead to this kind of reflection? Not me.) 

Easter is perhaps the best time to do some major personal reflection, about where  I am spiritually and how I've progressed, knowing that I still have a lot of ground to cover when it comes to this aspect in my life. I am thankful, however, for the chance to reflect and for the opportunities to do things better tomorrow.

Happy Easter everyone :) 

Personal {Shot for Engrande Events}

I love shooting details. There's no rush, and it feels a lot like playing. I especially love it when I'm shooting wedding-related stuff, which is exactly what I got to do for Engrande Events one day back in February. I love, love, love their stuff, from the hand-painted signboards to the dainty flower baskets with pearl handles (gaaahhhhh!!!). And those cute little flower crowns! Where were these things back when I was a little girl and the perfect flower girl material???

I was shooting in a sea of white, baby pink paper roses and lace that day, and there was no other place that I wanted to be. 

There are a lot of wedding styles that are popular these days, but ever since I could remember, I've always gravitated towards the shabby chic, white-and-pastel aesthetic whenever I though of my own wedding. This is perhaps the reason why I had so much fun shooting Engrande's styled set. Engrande Events offers wedding planning and styling, with most of the items I shot below also available for rent. You can visit their showroom at Rianna's Enterprise # 96 Cervantes Street Dumaguete City or head on over to their site.

Musings on Mistakes

I am back. It feels weird, saying that. I have so much to do, so much to write about! Best take things one at a time though. I've had the most interesting month. Everything was a blur of lessons and challenges and moments of anxiety, introspection, and appreciation of everything that I have. I have emerged learning a few valuable lessons that were crammed into a few weeks of frantic activity, and I wouldn't have had it any other way.

I've been reading the blog posts of a famous US photog who's had her share of mistakes in the past year, and it has made me realize that screwing up is definitely just a part of being human. We may cringe when we recall the times when we made mistakes and reacted accordingly, but when we step back and assess everything from a new perspective, it becomes clear that things happen not to make us feel insecure but to teach us a lesson (or lessons, whichever fits). My recent brushes with mistakes and failures has made me  realize that indeed, life lessons often come to us as mistakes that frustrate and scare us, and how we react can make a world of difference in how things eventually unfold. Will that mistake make or break us? It really all depends on how we react, how we view each setback. We can choose to be beaten and feel scared or we can see each failed expectation, each stupid blunder as the Universe's way of saying that you are ready for the next challenge, so here you go. 

Wishing you guys a great Friday :)