Be still. 

Psalms 

Lately suffering to me has been very cold weather, freezing floors, very loud snoring (LOL!) and clothes that are more suited for summer than for winter. Traveling to China and experiencing winter for the first time made me realize, more than once, how Filipinos who live in shanties, the homeless and even the poor here in China manage the cold, rain and storms. Add to that being away from home, and I would often find myself wishing I was back in familiar territory, with its warm evenings, Christmas carolers who sing for 5 seconds, sunny skies and the company of my family and friends, two and four-legged alike. 

I know the title of this blog post doesn't evoke the tiniest bit of Christmas spirit but as I 'suffered' through the cold and loneliness and complained incessantly about it to my long-suffering husband, I was constantly reminded of the suffering that had to happen before we could celebrate Christmas as we know it. On the first Christmas there were no lights, no carols, no thick  scarves and  colorful sweaters, no adorned trees surrounded by lavish gifts. There was a smelly manger, a woman who labored, probably scared and in so much pain, in the cold (I don't think there were heated stables back then) and a husband who probably was at his wit's end trying to deal with a delivery while surrounded by livestock. It's so unlike the comfortable, warm and cozy Christmases that we have. And that was only the beginning. To think that there was nothing comfortable nor lavish about the life that that baby was going to live, but instead a life full of suffering. And He went through all of that for me. *sigh* It boggles my mind. 

So as we bought groceries I looked for something to bring that Christmas spirit to our home. Alas, Chinese stores do not stock up on Nativity scenes and we had to make do with a tiny, tabletop Christmas tree. It was far from what I had in mind, but I saw the star and I guess it would have to do. At least, it reminded me of the star that led the wise men to the stable, the star that says, even if the world sat unknowing of this birth, the heavens knew, and there, a great celebration was happening--

And suddenly there was with the angel a multitude of the heavenly host praising God

and saying, 

“Glory to God in the highest, 

and on earth peace among those with whom he is pleased!” 

Luke 2:11–14

In heaven, there was joyful celebration, because it was finally happening, this child was going to be born and the prophesy of salvation, through suffering, was going to be fulfilled!!! Mind boggling moment again! This put my 'suffering' into perspective and made me realize how blessed I am, tiny puny me, to be the reason why all that suffering had to take place--me, in a heated apartment, bundled up with two scarves, thick socks and the heater on full blast, while complaining about the sorry state of my life.

And so, I look back and thank God. For suffering. For love. For grace. For faithfulness. For pain. Because He suffered so much more for me. And even though 2015 has been full of pain, joy, love and everything that I can't put a name on mixed in, I saw His hand through it all, probably even clearer this time. So here's to a new year, a 2016 that will hopefully be filled more of Him and less, less and even lesser of me. 

Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!!!

A few snippets from our Christmas Eve.

There is a time for everything,

    and a season for every activity under the heavens:

    a time to be born and a time to die,

    a time to plant and a time to uproot,

    a time to kill and a time to heal,

    a time to tear down and a time to build,

   a time to weep and a time to laugh,

    a time to mourn and a time to dance,

  a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,

    a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing,

 a time to search and a time to give up,

    a time to keep and a time to throw away,

 a time to tear and a time to mend,

    a time to be silent and a time to speak,

    a time to love and a time to hate,

    a time for war and a time for peace.

--Ecclesiastes 3

Turning 32 is teaching me a lot of things. A LOT. There were times when it seemed like I was in the middle of an army boot camp that I didn't sign up for, crawling through mud, covered in bruises and bawling my eyes out like a spoiled brat. This year has been filled with those, and I know there's more to come. 

But, it has been filled with happy moments, too, very much like the R&R soldiers get after intense weeks of training. I have no idea where the military metaphors are coming from, but they are are appropriate, I guess.

Life is a battlefield. 

You hear that line in songs but you never really get to appreciate how real it is until you live it. There's the struggle to do the right thing in the midst of pain and anger, the struggle to discover who you really are apart from the people you love, the job you love, the things you love. There's the daily battle for sanity and peace in the midst of brokenness and confusion. 

Growing up, turning a year older, is tough! I learned so much in the last couple of months of being 31 than I have probably learned in college or in high school, most of them about being an adult, learning humility, learning forgiveness, learning how to be forgiven, and returning to the things that matter-- love, relationships, being at peace with who you are, not defining yourself by the people you love and love you, but defining yourself by His love (and what an amazing Love it is!) 

I learned that there is really nothing that we know, for sure. We think we know a lot when we're young and then life hits us with curveballs and we're cowering in the corner, frozen with no clue about what to do. That is OK, still, as long as we know who to turn to when we're all bruised and swollen and swearing off baseball for the last time (the metaphors, again!). 

I learned that there is a time for everything, that listening to the Voice that matters brings peace, and that peace transcends all understanding. Because there are things that matter more, things that demand sniper-like focus and attention, otherwise they'd be gone forever. I thrived as a multi-tasker in college, dabbling in this and that and doing enough just to get by, but now, I am being taught, "There is a time for everything, slow down, focus on the things that matter, on love and relationships and covenants that cannot, and should not be broken, no matter what the cost."

Man, training is hard. Learning is hard. But I guess that what's life is. Everyday is a constant revelation of things that we didn't know before, or things that we have learned but forgotten. But it is also necessary. There are days when I wake up not wanting to be where I am, impatient at the thought of things I could be doing and it takes focused, painful and even exhausting moments of reflection to remember and realign myself with the things that I should be learning, right here and right now. So I guess 32 will be a year of more learning and more growing up. I can't say that I look forward to it. It seems painful and muddy and I'm sure I'll be bruised along the way. But I will get through it and hopefully, I'll come out stronger and wiser. 

A few snapshots from our birthdays (being apart is also tough, but we make do. Bought the husband a small blueberry cheesecake that he blew from the other side of the screen. Talk about cheesy!)